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As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.

Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.

• The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.